Crack a Joke, englische Witze

Man in a Restaurant: 'Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!'
Waiter: 'Yes, sir, it's the hot water that kills them.'

'Waiter, waiter, there's a fly in my soup!'
'Don't worry, sir, the spider in the salad will get it.'

WAITER: 'How did you find your steak, sir?'
DINER:'Quite by accident. I moved a few peas and there it was.'

DINER:'This restaurant must have a very clean kitchen.'
OWNER:'Thank you sir, but how did you know?'
DINER:'Everything tastes of soap.'

'Waiter, what soup is this?'
'It's bean soup sir.'
'I don't care what it was, I want to know what it is now.'

'Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm invisible.'
'Who said that?'

'Doctor, doctor, I've just swallowed a sheep.'
'How do you feel?'
'Very ba-a-a-ad.'

'Doctor, doctor, what can I do, my little boy has swallowed my pen?'
'Use a pencil till I get there.'

'Doctor, my family think I'm mad.'
'Because I like sausages.'
'Nonsense, I like sausages too.'
'You do? You must come round and see my collection. I have hundreds.'

MAN:'Ouch! A crab just bit my toe.'
DR.:'Which one?'
MAN:' I don't know, all crabs look alike to me.'

DOCTOR:'Did you drink your orange juice after your bath?'
PATIENT:'After drinking the bath I didn't have too much room for the orange juice.'

Doctor, doctor, I lost my memory.'
'When did this happen?'
'When did what happen?'

JUDY:'Do you believe in free speech?'
PUNCH:'I certainly do.'
JUDY:'Good, can I use your telephone?'

COLIN:'You remind me of the sea.'
ANN:'Because I'm so wild, reckless and romantic?'
COLIN:'No, you make me sick.'

Think of a number between one and fifty. Double it, subtract sixtyone, add one subtract the number you started with, close your eyes...
Dark isn't it!

'I've lost my dog.'
'Why don't you put an advertisement in the paper?'
'Don't be silly - he can't read.'

Did you hear about the teacher who was crosseyed?
She couldn't control her pupils.

'How do you spell _#132;Crocodile'?'
'The dictionary spells it _#132;C-r-o-k-o-d-i-l-e'.'
'You didn't ask me how the dictionary spelt it.'

TEACHER:'Name four animals of the cat-family.'
PUPIL:'Father cat, mother cat and two kittens.'

PUPIL:'Would you punish a pupil for something she didn't do?'
TEACHER:'Of course not.'
PUPIL:'Good, I haven't done my homework.'

TEACHER:'If I had forty apples in one hand and fifty in the other, what would I have?'
PUPIL:'Big hands.'

TEACHER:'How can you prove the world is round?'
PUPIL:'I never said it was, miss.'

TEACHER:'Did your big brother help you with your homework?'
PUPIL:'No, miss, he did all the work himself.'

TEACHER:'You should have been here at nine o'clock.'
PUPIL:'Why, what happened?'

MOTHER TO SON:'Come on, you'll be late for school.'
'Shan't,' came the reply from the bedroom.
'Why, what's wrong?'
'The teachers hate me and the kids despise me.'
'I'll give you two good reasons why you should go.'
'What are they?'
'One - you're forty-one, and two - you're the headmaster.'

'Would you like to buy a pocket calculator, sir?'
'No, thanks, I know how many pockets I've got.'

CUSTOMER:'I would like to try on that suit in the window, please'
ASSISTANT:'I'm sorry, sir, you have to try it on in the changing-rooms, like everybody else.'

PIANO TUNER:'I've come to tune your piano.'
MAN:'But we didn't send for you.'
TUNER:'No, but your neighbours did.'

'The police are looking for a man with one eye called Murphy.'
'What is the other eye called?'

MAN:'A return ticket please.'
MAN:'Why back here of course.'